The Dwyane Wade Decision: A Text Message Tale

Mar 22, 2015; Oklahoma City, OK, USA; Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade (3) drives to the basket against Oklahoma City Thunder center Enes Kanter (34) during the second quarter at Chesapeake Energy Arena. Mandatory Credit: Mark D. Smith-USA TODAY Sports
Mar 22, 2015; Oklahoma City, OK, USA; Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade (3) drives to the basket against Oklahoma City Thunder center Enes Kanter (34) during the second quarter at Chesapeake Energy Arena. Mandatory Credit: Mark D. Smith-USA TODAY Sports /

After The Vertical’s Adrian Wojnarowski broke the news of a Dwyane Wade decision – he opted to leave the Miami Heat and return home to Illinois – a well-documented reaction to the news transpired across the internet. But what about the interactions that led up to the breaking news and Wade’s decision to join the Chicago Bulls?

Let’s start by making this as clear as possible: This is completely fictitious and presumptive.

It seemed like the Denver Nuggets were making a late charge for Wade, while the Bucks also had a short meeting with the jilted star guard. It was somewhere during-between-after these meetings that it was made known that the Bulls weren’t even able to get out of Chicago to make a meeting with Wade. It seemed like even the weather didn’t want this signing to happen.

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Then Pat Riley got his meeting. Other than throwing a large bag, the size of a small child, filled with championship rings on a table and singing “All I Do Is Win” karaoke, I imagine the meeting between the Heat and Wade was mostly just Riley arguing that Pink Dolphin is “really lit” while Wade posited that fashion was just getting warmed up before the Fall 2015 Givenchy collection.

Then the news broke and the planet shifted on its axis just a bit. But what happened leading up to the announcement? Let’s take a look at some Dwyane Wade text conversations to try and piece it together.

8:27 AM, LeBron James

LeBron: Hey, man. You coming over?
Wade: Man. How much does Gilbert got? You know I just got taken by Riley and I need to cash in before I cash out, you feel me?
LeBron: My dude. I bet he can run you for like… $3 million?
Wade: Hahaha
LeBron: Wut?
Wade: Hahahah. Yoooo, you expect ME to show up in Cleveland for free? Why don’t YOU take a pay cut?!
LeBron: SMH. Bruh. I’m getting paid. You know how much money I got? Me neither. But, I want more. I don’t need it, but the more luxury tax I put on Dan, the more you know I’m the most valuable player in the league, not that lil’ guy in Cali.
Wade: Man, I ain’t takin’ a pay cut. You can keep the banana boat, let’s talk my part in Space Jam 2 later.
LeBron: Cool.

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11:56 AM, Gabrielle Union

Union: Where r u?
Wade: Got a meeting.
Union: With who?
Wade: Bunch of teams.
Union: Dwyane. I know where you’re at. You’re with that Wisconsin guy!
Wade: Ooohhh, Lasry. lol, yeah u right
Union: Let me ask you, Dwyane. Is it cold in Wisconsin?
Wade: Yeah.
Wade: Gabby? Babe?
Wade: Hellooo???
Wade: I gotta take this meeting, Miami is playing hardball. Text u when it over. *heart emoji* *boat emoji* *dragon emoji*

12:53 PM, Khris Middleton

Khris: Hey, D. It’s Khris!
Wade: New number, who dis?
Khris: It’s Khris! From the Bucks!
Wade: Oohh lol jajaja wut up?
Khris: You coming over?!
Wade: Gotta check with the Mrs.
Wade: Headed to another meeting, peace!
Khris: You ever see that roof when you’re flying in to Milwaukee that says, “Welcome to Cleveland”? lol hey how funny is that if you were going to Milwaukee but thought it was Cleveland, like we tricked you and made you come play here but told you it was Milwaukee when you see that roof. OMG.
Khris: D
Khris: Yooooo
Khris: Where u at?!

Next: The Bulls Have Picked The Slow Lane

1:32 PM, Gar Forman

Gar: Mr. Wade, this is Gar Forman of the Chicago Bulls.
Wade: Garrrr, what up baby!?
Gar: Well.
Wade: ?
Gar: You see, I have these allergies and sometimes I forget which pill to take when and I often get DayQuil and NyQuil confused. How are you supposed to tell the difference? I thought that they were the same thing, just different colors for different times of day and I can’t remember if the orange one is “morning flavor” or “nighttime flavor” and which is the dark one. And hey, why is the dark one just dark in the bottle but red when you pour it in the little cuppy thingy. So I took one nighttime flavor and one of daytime flavor because I thought they would even out. Turns out that is a bad way to try and navigate O’Hare. I’ve been here for like three hours or thirty minutes, not sure which.
Gar: Anyway. I missed my flight so like lol we can get rid of some people on our roster that are somehow older than you though I didn’t know that was possible because you are 34 years old and I thought Pau was the oldest person on Earth still playing in the NBA and was shocked to find out that I have a bunch of guys on the “wrong” side of age 30. Oops lol. We can give you lots of money.
Wade: lol Gar u crazy
Wade: ur funny
Wade: lol omg, you at Malnati’s?!
Wade: Gar? Hey. Are you really not coming?
Gar: lol totes missed my flight, but I just saw a purple cat speaking Portuguese brb

2:45 PM, Tim Connelly

Connelly: Hey D Wade. Did you get our offer? We’ve got two years, 25 per year. And weed is waaaay legal here.
Connelly: Plus, if we’re bad this year, no one cares because #Broncos lol
Connelly: I mean, we’ll pay you a lot of money, you can do the pot at Red Rocks with Mumford and Son and hardly anyone pays attention to us in our own market. Super chill, crunchy mellow vibes.
Wade: Hey. Bad reception.
Connelly: I made you a friendship bracelet. It’s hemp.

Chicago Bulls
Chicago Bulls /

Chicago Bulls

5:42 PM, LeBron James

LeBron: Hey, you sure you don’t want to take a huge pay cut to spend most of your time in Cleveland lol
Wade: lol
LeBron: U decide?
Wade: not yet, waiting for that money to roll in.

6:07 PM, Gabrielle Union

Union: Hey, D Man.
Wade: Gab, babe. I told u not to call me D Man. That’s what Chris Tucker calls Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element and u kno that movie is an all-time great! But why isn’t it streaming anywhere?! Netflix? No! Hulu? No! Amazon Prime? No! NO! NO!
Union: Dwyane. Did u eat today?
Wade: No. I have tummy grumbles. I wish we were Snapchatting from a boat somewhere. WITH FOOD.
Union: Well, just make up ur mind and let’s get back to the boat!
Wade: U never noticed that D Man sounds like demon? Demons are nasty. And scary. I don’t like them.
Union: Just. Pick. A. Team.

6:14 PM, LeBron James

Wade: Hey.
LeBron: That’s my boy! U comin! Yay baby!
Wade: Nah nah nah man. Ur my boy, but I ain’t taking that kind of pay cut to come play off the bench while you single-handedly win titles and make TEN TIMES wut I make.
LeBron: Ouch. Cold bro.
Wade: Well… Let me make it up to you.
LeBron: How?
Wade: One sec.

6:19 PM, Gar Forman

Wade: Gar.
Gar: hey! I took the toll road! Did u know that they have McDonald’s OVER the interstate out here? What’s a Peoria? Haha silly cats.
Wade: Gar.
Gar: WHAT man
Wade: I think I like Chicago. How about you get rid of those two guys who are older than me. Send the guy who wants to fight Giannis to Cleveland because he’s bad and totally wouldn’t help them in a limited role as a high-percentage 3-point shooter off the bench.
Gar: DDDD!!!! They have a trade thing, with the money. You know. Whatever. It could work. Wait. There are people older than you still in the NBA? But they don’t have knee surgery I bet!
Wade: Just… can you get it done?
Gar: I’m Gar.
Wade: Yeah? And?
Gar: Gar needs morning flavor. Let’s trade some guys. Why don’t you come play here so we can take up all of our cap room this year and have a bunch of dead money on the payroll next year to.
Wade: It’s too.
Gar: You’re a too.

6:25 PM, LeBron James

Wade: Remember how much you miss Mike Miller?
LeBron: That’s my dude!
Wade: Well, I can have the Bulls give you a different Mike. Basically the same thing.
LeBron: You’d give me a new Mike?!
Wade: Yeah, bruh.
LeBron: Yippee!

7:49 PM, Gar’s Phone (John Paxson)

Wade: Gar.
Paxson: Pax here! Gar took more nighttime flavor! Wut’s up!?
Wade: That’s a lot of exclamation points.
Paxon: lol
Wade: Let’s get this done.
Paxson: Perfect! You know, if this backfires, works for me and Jerry!
Wade: Whatever. Two years, $47 million?
Paxson: Yeah, I don’t care. Did you know we got Rondo, too? The two of you are going to love hating each other.
Wade: Why would you ever sign that dude?
Paxson: Well, Olshey offered Evan Turner $70 million. We thought he meant per year or we would have matched. Oh well, live and learn I say lol!
Wade: Wait, you wanted Turner, too?
Paxson: Well, not for $70 million per year!
Wade: Alright, well I’m glad we could reach an agreement. I gotta catch some sleep before my big day with Kelly Ripa! And then I’m going shopping *credit card emoji* *bag of gold coins emoji*
Paxson: *winking face emoji*