Rajon Rondo Versus Everyone: Teammate Fight Rankings

Rajon Rondo has agreed to a two-year deal with the Chicago Bulls, but he is a lightning rod for conflict. Today, we look at all of Rondo’s new teammates, as of today, and determine how each of them will fare in their inevitable showdown with the slur-spewing, team-killing, coach-hating, fan-reviled Rondo.

Really, Rondo is like a diminutive version of a movie villain. He’s the ancillary antagonist who coldly pulls the trigger while the primary antagonist wrestles with his conscious as if his soul is the wager, hanging on his choice of action. Rondo pulled the trigger, because he has no soul.

Rondo was a promising young guard when he was coming up with the Celtics, but he hasn’t been the same since tearing an ACL in 2013. In fact, he hasn’t been the same player since he was freed of Doc Rivers, Tom Thibodeau, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. Seriously, it took all of those players to keep him in line and even then there were murmurs of issues between Rondo and his future-hall-of-fame teammates.

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It’s been steadily downhill since then. Maybe you’ll remember that Rondo directed a homophobic slur at a referee last season. Perhaps, you remember Rondo being ruled out with “injury” in the playoffs for the Mavericks in the prior season, which was the second time that season he was suspended by the team in his short tenure in Dallas. In fact, Rondo was such a problem for Rick Carlisle and the Mavericks that they opted to not give him a share of their playoff earnings, a move that is generally unheard of.

If you’re a Bulls fan, here’s one that hits a little closer to home: Rondo, in 2011, declared Bulls fans the most obnoxious crowd in the entire league.

Now, Rondo is entering a total quagmire in Chicago. Here’s a thought, how do you think Rondo and Fred Hoiberg are going to mesh? Jimmy Butler couldn’t get along with the extremely laid-back Derrick Rose, now Rajon is being dropped into the same fish bowl. To borrow the vernacular of the youth, the intra-squad feuding is going to be lit AF.

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To help prepare you for the blood and guts slugfest that will be Rondo versus everyone, I’ve prepared this cheat sheet for each player on the Bulls roster. Let’s be honest, when the Bulls go on their Circus Trip, you know someone is getting thrown out of the team plane over the Rocky Mountains.

Jose Calderon, PG
Matchup: This is going to absolutely pop off. Calderon is the old man on this roster. He’s had about all he can stand, but won’t walk away from paychecks. This is also a total prison yard dynamic. Rondo is the newer Bull, by about 10 days. Rondo’s first day on the block, he’s got to establish himself. Calderon makes the perfect target; he’s old, still has a soul and is also a new detainee which means he and Rondo both have no allies to rely on. In order to take advance of this, Rondo will strike early and hard. The only thing that Calderon has going for him: You don’t live to an old age in an environment like the NBA without having the necessary instinct to survive and assure that survival.

Winner: Rondo. Look, Calderon no doubt has some chops on him that he doesn’t let anyone see until he needs them, but his good old fashioned rock ‘em, sock ‘em can’t keep with the coldness of Rondo. Just like Prop Joe had rules, same goes for Calderon. And just like Marlo Stanfield, Rondo doesn’t respect his elders or the concept of strength in numbers.

Cristiano Felicio, C
Matchup: Felicio is like a slow giant. Once he gets his hands on you, he’s going to squeeze and crush your silly little body. His 6-foot-10-inch frame carries 275 pounds of jackhammer arms and he is the biggest player on the squad. Portis is one inch taller, but weighs 45 lbs. less!

Winner: None. Felicio can’t deal with Rondo, but he’s got plenty of friends. Rondo will throw hands and Felicio will catch them, but he isn’t fazed. The final count is more hits landed for Rondo, but he also gets thrown to the ground like a ragdoll which is embarrassing.

Taj Gibson, PF
Matchup: Oh, have mercy! You want a war? You’ve got a war. This feels a lot like the first “items” matchup thus far. Rondo is heated and wants blood, but he’s Rondo. While his soul has vacated his body, he’s also not as gully as he claims. His item: A tennis racket. Meanwhile, someone tried to throw a baseball bat to Gibson, but he doesn’t have great hands so you know he dropped that and it rolled out of reach. His item: A toaster.

Oct 31, 2014; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Bulls forward Taj Gibson (22) reacts to being called for a foul during the second half against the Cleveland Cavaliers at the United Center. Cleveland won 114-108 in overtime. Mandatory Credit: Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports /

Winner: Gibson. It’s closer than you think. Gibson spends about a month looking like he has a waffle for a head from all the tennis string mish-mash markings on his big bald head. The problem for Rondo was that his serve was returnable. Gibson hit him up with a blaze of forehands and backhands that had the little point guard feeling like a Toaster Strudel.

Jimmy Butler, SG/SF
Matchup: Rondo really has to be feeling himself to go after Jimmy Buckets. This is the same guy who got Rose shipped out of his own home town. Do you realize what level of gangster one must possess to get a guy exiled from his own home town? A high level. Let’s break this down using some help from The Wire, again. Rondo is huge on living that Marlo life, but this would be like Marlo going at Chris. Chris is the one who is actually out on the streets putting bodies in the vacants, Marlo is just driving around listening to corny music.

Winner: Butler. For a minute, it looks like Rondo might be able to pull off the surprise victory, then Butler pulled out his ace: Third-person Jimmy Butler. All along we thought Jimmy was just delusion or his power play for the Bulls had gone to his head. It turns out that there really is another Butler, the Butler who refers to Jimmy Butler as Jimmy. Jimmy and Butler are actually separate entities and Rondo didn’t know this any more than we did and he got dealt with. Jimmy and Butler were just too much for a single Rajon Rondo to handle.

Doug McDermott, SF
Matchup: Rondo is 100 percent likely to show out on McBuckets. A real-life analogy for this fight: Conor McGregor vs. Nate Diaz. Dougie is all offense and no defense. Turns out, as anyone who has watched the Bulls can tell you, Dougie doesn’t really have any offense more often than not. Rondo just doesn’t care. He isn’t even going to train for this fight, he knows that McDermott is punching above his weight and plans to swing on him right away. With no defensive ability to speak of, along with limited athleticism, McDermott will be relying on his offensive completely. If Rondo can tag him and McDermott goes down, there is little hope that Doug can protect himself.

Mar 17, 2016; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Bulls forward Bobby Portis (5) reacts to scoring a basket during the second half against the Brooklyn Nets at the United Center. Chicago won 118-102. Mandatory Credit: Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports /

Winner: Rondo. This isn’t even a real fight. Rondo tags him, and while Doug is wobbling, Rondo lays him on the canvas. Doug briefly remembers he was College Player of the Year, but by year three in the NBA even he doesn’t think that matters. Rondo passes his guard with ease and wins by submission.

Bobby Portis, PF
Matchup: Nope. You’ve seen what happened when people try to fight The Rock in Furious 7.

Winner: None. Rondo gets one look at Portis and his crazy eyes and realizes he is looking into the soul of a man who has seen demons thrown into volcanoes. Rondo fantasizes about besting a man who fears no demon, but he never crosses that line.

Tony Snell, SG
Matchup: Everything about this sets up for Rondo to bully Snell into oblivion. Snell has shown no confidence at any point during his professional career. It won’t take much of that classic Rondo charm to gain the psychological advantage over Snell. Or will it. Look, Snell is quiet, reserved and nearly emotionless. He’s Kawhi Lenoard if Kwahi Leonard was less emotive.

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Winner: Snell. My goodness. This is where it gets really dark for this fun little exercise. Rondo stepped to Snell and unearthed something deep-seeded. It doesn’t go well for Rondo. At all. Don’t believe me? I’ll leave you with this. Seriously, that photo is one of the best things. Don’t sleep on Snell, unless you’re Thibs.

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