Pippen Ain't Easy
Fansided

How the Chicago Bulls are in prime position to take over (They’re really not.)

By Willie Lutz

Jun 2, 2015; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman speaks during a press conference at Advocate Center. Mandatory Credit: Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports
Jun 2, 2015; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman speaks during a press conference at Advocate Center. Mandatory Credit: Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports /
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May 2, 2017; Boston, MA, USA; The Arnold Jacob Red Auerbach statue is dressed up prior to game two of the second round of the 2017 NBA Playoffs between the Boston Celtics and the Washington Wizards. Auerbach was an American basketball coach of the Washington Capitols, the Tri-Cities Blackhawks and the Boston Celtics. Mandatory Credit: Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports
May 2, 2017; Boston, MA, USA; The Arnold Jacob Red Auerbach statue is dressed up prior to game two of the second round of the 2017 NBA Playoffs between the Boston Celtics and the Washington Wizards. Auerbach was an American basketball coach of the Washington Capitols, the Tri-Cities Blackhawks and the Boston Celtics. Mandatory Credit: Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports /

Phase 5: Use a seance to summon Red Auerbach, who will possess Fred Hoiberg

While his statue occupies the brick-laden pathways to Boston’s Faneuil Hall Marketplace, all-time great coach Red Auerbach is formally dead. Meanwhile, occupying what I can only assume to be a locked bathroom where he’s constantly winking at himself in the mirror, Bulls’ head coach Fred Hoiberg is very much alive.

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    • The first supernatural athletes were the superstars from Field of Dreams, which proved to have a ton of talent even in the afterlife. By the transitive property, one has to assume that Auerbach still has it in the afterlife.

    While protegee Bill Russell didn’t return our request for comments, we’d have to assume he’d say, “wow, Willie, you’re so smart and handsome. Of course Red [Auerbach] would be a great dead head coach. Plus, he would be the first to do it.”

    However, we know that ACTUALLY Bill Walton would also qualify as a (Grateful) Dead Head coach. That’s why we get our facts straight, because I’m a real journalist.

    During his coaching days, Auerbach lead his Boston Celtics to nine NBA Championships. Hoiberg, you might be wonder, has zero NBA Championships, but did twice lead Iowa State to Big 12 Tournament Championships.

    Logically, Bulls fans would probably want Phil Jackson, but his on-again, off-again romance with Carmelo Anthony would likely impinge the Bulls’ chances at success.

    How it works: The Bulls conduct a seance, Auerbach possesses Hoiberg for free, the Bulls get an all-time great coach for no additional money. Plus, there’s no rule against it, because Adam Silver is all for the players and so was Red (I think).

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