NBA Finals: Hollywood As Hell…Did Joakim Know?

Apr 25, 2014; Washington, DC, USA; Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah (13) yells on the court against the Washington Wizards in the third quarter in game three of the first round of the 2014 NBA Playoffs at Verizon Center. The Bulls won 100-97. Mandatory Credit: Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

If you have been watching the NBA Finals, you are  probably thinking…what in the name of Dr. James Naismith is going on? No one and I mean NO ONE saw such an abyss like this coming. The Miami Heat have been shown two big boots to the backside WITH Spurs on the back in the last two games. The Heat look like they have no answers (because they don’t…I do) on how they can stop the San Antonio express. San Antonio has outclassed the Heat and they are one game away from tainting the Miami Heat’s Finals victory last year. The Heat act like they have never done this before. Or maybe they are just “Hollywood as Hell!”

Remember that phrase Joakim Noah used to describe the Miami Heat a few years ago? It’s no secret that Noah can’t  stand the Miami Heat and never passes up the opportunity to remind everyone in a sound bite before every game he has to play them. He hates their arrogance, the way they carry themselves, maybe even their cologne. I don’t know, but you get the idea. I do give the Heat credit though, they did trademark the phrase and made T-shirts. That’s some serious pimping there Pippen Peoples. But after watching a pitiful NBA Finals and watching these past two press conferences after the two thorough beat downs of the Miami Heat brought me back to that famous phrase.

Let me set this up by giving a huge shout out to Bobby Ramos of Bottomline. I would let him write for Pippen Ain’t Easy anytime and I would write for him anytime. We are from the same cloth. It doesn’t matter who it is on a basketball court, if you stink, you’re going to hear about it from us. After Game three, where the San Antonio Spurs hit 19 of their first 21 shots, a feat that only Jesus Christ can top, Ramos went in on the Heat. A lot of reporters say their name politely, then lob softball questions like a parent would to a toddler. Then they get a phony answer and accept it. Not Bobby Ramos, He knew the Heat stunk up the arena and he broke out questions laced with Brut by Fabrege’ in it.

Okay Pippen Peoples picture yourself in the press conference after Game three of the NBA Finals. Eric Spoelstra comes to the podium and answers every soft cliché question known to man laced with excuses. Then Ramos got Eric Spoelstra… Ramos: “Coach, you gave San Antonio the credit and you mentioned a couple of times that you are in the Finals. How does a team in their fourth Finals come out in the Finals their first home game and get beat to the ball to get stomped the way they did? The kind of heart that your championship team has, to come out tonight like they did mentally has to be a problem.” Spoelstra: “Clearly.”

Now I realize he got a little long-winded. He may have been nervous. Hey, It’s the NBA Finals. So let me break it down to the essence of what he was saying in cliff note version.

Now we are in the same situation but it is Ronald Agers, Editor of Pippen Ain’t Easy, the best choice for Chicago Bulls news, previews and reviews asking a question about Game three of the NBA Finals. Ronald Agers: “Hello coach, do you mind telling the members of the press how a two-time championship team can be in the NBA Finals for the fourth straight year against a team you should have lost to last year get beat at home like you stole something (like the championship last year). Can you explain?”

Umm, a follow-up question. Do you see an issue with having a team that knows the importance of a game three of the NBA Finals that comes out with the heartbeat of a corpse six feet deep?

You see Pippen Peoples, Ramos did something that not many sports writers, bloggers, television anchors are willing to do these days…tell it like it is. If Spoelstra can live with smiling when everything is gravy and wins are coming aplenty, he can man up and answer his question. Now understand that the NBA studio analysts at Fox 1 were laughing at the guy almost ridiculing the dude. But my man has heart. He then went in on LeBron James and Dwyane Wade.

Ramos:”This is for the both of you, you have a great defense. They’re averaging 104 points a game. You have a lot of offense, you haven’t broke a hundred yet. Is the problem your lackluster defense or is it the problems you’re having offensively, lackluster offense?”

James…the sound you hear is crickets.

Wade: “The problem is we’re down two  games to one. That is the problem. We’ve got to figure out how to tie it up.”

Again we are going to place Pippen Ain’t Easy in the same situation and clear up the question.

Ronald Agers: “Prince…I mean King James and D-Dud…I mean Wade. Ronald Agers here again. You can’t stop the Spurs with the military that you salute before every game and your offense can’t get to triple digits. I checked the rulebook before the press conference and what I got out of it was if a team can’t score and can’t stop the other team they tend to lose historically. What’s the bigger problem? The fact that the Spurs can shoot through a pin needle with you guys in front of them or the fact that your offense can’t throw the ball in the ocean standing in Davy’s locker 10,000 leagues under the sea?”

Let me clear something up for Bobby Ramos  and the Pippen Peoples. The Miami defense is the worst it has been in the “Big Three” era. A defensive team outside of the top ten better have Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant on the team because that’s the last time it happened. Shaq called Chris Bosh the “RuPaul” of big men once so I’m going to risk my creditability and say that they don’t compare. The Heat are also awful rebounding the ball. So for the rest of the NBA Finals count on the Spurs shooting well and if they miss, odds are good they’ll get it back.

This is for LeBron James. If you can sit around and be charming when you are winning, here’s a thought….ANSWER THE QUESTION! You let an opposing team shoot a NBA Finals record 76% for a half. If you are “allegedly” the best player on the “allegedly” best team, answer the man as to why the Spurs used your behind for target practice.

This is what Joakim Noah meant Pippen Peoples. The Miami Heat were the big bullies of the NBA for a couple of years. The San Antonio Spurs walked into the Finals and have surgically taken this team apart. Now that Miami has some adversity, now the Heat are in Hollywood acting like…

They  can play defense.

Like they have a way to get back in this series. Like they have a backbone.

Like they aren’t tired.

Like they aren’t desperate.

Like Kawhi Leonard is not giving them the business.

The offense hasn’t played dead since the series has been in Miami.

Mario Chalmers is definitely a “Hollywood” candidate. He is a scrub trying to pass as a point guard. He is a bum that is trying to act as if he deserves a big raise in his next contract from the Heat. How about that elbow? He said he can’t remember hitting Tony Parker with said elbow. If you believe that, you’ll believe the Joakim Noah and I use the same hair care products. If anyone cares, the NBA Finals will be over no later than next Tuesday. My bet is on Sunday.