How the Chicago Bulls are in prime position to take over (They’re really not.)
By Willie Lutz
If anything was made clear by the Golden State Warriors’ 113-91 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 1 of the 2017 NBA Finals, it’s that the Chicago Bulls are at least the second-best team in the NBA. After sweeping the season series against Cleveland, the Bulls are in a position to take over the Eastern Conference beginning this summer. Here’s how.
On Thursday night, LeBron James scored a pithy 28 points in 40 minutes. JaVale McGee, you might ask yourself, scored four points in six minutes. So, had McGee played LeBron’s minutes and using legitimate metrics, he would’ve dropped 27.
Taking a peek at LeBron’s hairline, we can see that he’s another step closer to baldness. Baldness, you might ask, will signal the natural coming-of-AARP for LeBron, thus the end of his career.
The door now opens for the Chicago Bulls. With the end of James in sight, it’s time to open a brand new title contender, this time with more star power.
Lacking the question of how, because the Bulls are so super awesome, it’s when. Holding all the chips in the world, Gar Forman and John Paxson have circled this offseason on their calendar since day one.
Jimmy Butler is throwing of the scent by playing football? All part of the plan.
Denzel Valentine’s walking boot? All part of the plan.
Picking up the option on Rondo and the anticipation of Wade picking up his player option? All. Part. Of. The. Plan.
See, those of you still occupying two-thousand-and-late don’t see the true genius of GarPax quite yet, but that day is coming. Your Fire GarPax shirt? Trashed. Your Paxson-Forman 2020 shirt? Consider it the best $32.77 you’ve ever spent.
Without further ado, here’s the plan.
(Disclaimer: None of this is happening. It’s June. Let’s have some fun while we wait for Bulls basketball to actually come back. So please, before we get yelled at by all of you for such ludicrous ideas, we’re just joking and we hope none of you hate us after this.)